So everyone has heard the cliche, "forgive and forget". I would like to submit my '2 cents' on the subject.
Can one actually accomplish that which is being asked? I'm going to say no.
I can completely validate and support the concept of forgiveness, for it is with the holding of grudges that, over time, we become cold, hard, cynical, and unfeeling. We try to teach children the concept of empathy and the value of an apology. What are we modeling by being unforgiving and resistant to compassion? Holding a grudge, in fact, does nothing more than keep the negative feelings within oneself, ultimately affecting only the grudge holder. In fact, many times, the 'offender' is completely unaware that another harbours ill feelings towards him/her. By holding that grudge, who is really suffering? The person with whom the grudge-holder takes issue? No. Chances are he/she is either unaware of the hurt feelings, or more likely, no longer even cares. So who is really suffering? Sure -it is the person who has been unable or unwilling to forgive. That person is in a perpetual state of emotional negativity as a result of refusing to let go. To hold a grudge is, in essence, continuing to give the offender the power, as the grudge holder is kept an emotional prisoner, controlled by possible feelings of anger, hate, vengeance and a general ill-will towards the offender. A futile state, especially if the offender no longer 'gives a damn'. Of course, not every offence requires forgiveness. In fact, many do NOT. What DOES need to happen, however, is for the grudge holder to at least let go, even if forgiveness is impossible. One can reconcile oneself to NOT forgive completely, but one MUST find a way to purge oneself of all the negative energy and emotional drain. For one's own sake, the weight needs to be lifted, with or without true forgiveness.
My real issue with the 'forgive and forget' mantra is the 'forget' part. Each experience we have on this planet (whether you believe we are here once or that we have several 'kicks at the can') shapes us into the people we are. Both positive AND negative experiences teach us lessons that we need to learn in order to be truly empathetic, learned and evolved spirits. It is with our most trying times that we learn the greatest lessons -even if we can't interpret the significance at the time. The most difficult situations (and people) reveal to us quite a bit about ourselves, our society, our friends and family, and our assumptive worldview in general. Why would ANYONE want to forget? Sure, we may want to stifle the memory of specific details, but the overall lesson should be accessible to our conscious memories. Besides, in forgetting our trials and tribulations, we set ourselves up for repeating the same mistakes. If you are able to forgive someone for their sins upon you, by all means do so.... but don't EVER forget that it happened. What is the old saying... "fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me"? If you forget lessons of the past, you are likely to be 'fooled twice'. It is almost entrenched in my psyche now, as a History teacher, to evaluate the lessons of the past, and apply them to the present and future. One's personal history is just as important as the macrocosm. I'm not sure why we are so reluctant to actually learn from the mistakes of the past... whether it be our own personal indiscretions, those of our society, or those of other civilizations. The lessons are abundant in all cases, but we turn a blind eye, believing they have no relevance to us.
But... here is the REAL question. If you continue to remember ---choosing NOT to forget, can you truly, whole-heartedly forgive? Can you tell someone that they are absolved of their sins if you never really wipe the slate clean? Can you truly mend fences with the continued knowledge of someone's misdeeds toward you? My guess is no, not completely. A catch-22, indeed. Maybe that is good. Maybe one should never completely wipe that slate clean... Proceeding with caution in regards to those who have offended you is probably the best way to go.
Should you forgive and forget? I'd say no. CAN you really forgive and forget. I'd still say no...for the axe is never really buried if you mark the spot where it lies.
HAVE YOUR SAY: Is there an act that is unforgivable?
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