No, You Curb YOUR Enthusiasm!

This will come as no shock to those who know and love (or at least tolerate) me:  I have several "quirks" that many people find both entertaining and perplexing.  Although I have not been officially diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorder, common sense propels me in the direction toward self awareness (and eventual acceptance) of my rather neurotic propensities.  

I, too, find my idiosyncrasies fascinating and bizarre... Every day, there seems to be another one added to the ever-growing list.  

For your virtual gawking pleasure, here is a sampling of that which forces that little vein above my left eye to twitch at Bolshevik tempo:

Birds:  These are flying dinosaurs.  True story.  Look it up.  Birds can move their heads in creepy positions, and they stare at me-- judging, mocking, plotting-- while I'm walking my dogs.  Crows are the worst. I'm sure it's no accident that a group of them is called a "murder". Coincidence?  I think not.  Seagulls and pigeons are close runners-up.  Those jerks are everywhere.  I'm familiar with Hitchcock.  I'm no dummy.  Besides, they have beaks.  Never trust anything that has its pecker on its face.

*Swimming in Lakes:  No.  Lakes have fish.  The end.

Swimming in the Ocean:  No.  Oceans have fish and are made of salt.  Aaaaand, if I really need to point it out, sharks live there.  If a shark broke into my house and started thrashing about in my kitchen, I would beat that bastard to death with a pipe, no questions asked!  I fully expect that they feel the same way about intruders in their aquatic domicile.  As do piranha.  And jellyfish.  And orcas. 

Swimming in Public Pools:  No.  Old people, children, and jerks pee in there.

Hot Tubs:  Petrie dish for bacteria.  People pee in there, too.

Bathing in Tubs:  Nope.  It's like marinating in your own filth.  Showers.  Period.

Jacuzzi Foot Spas:   I saw 20/20 once where these machines were investigated... Most spas don't clean them properly, and people's dead, exfoliated skin gets trapped in the jets, and breeds bacteria.  They said it was the equivalent to bathing in water used by hundreds of people before you.  The story had real-life victims of bacterial diseases on their legs and feet from these clogged machines.  No.  Just plain no.

Untreated Wood (i.e. Wooden Spoons, Popsicle Sticks, etc.).  No, you read that correctly.  I can't stand the feeling.  I just can't touch them.  Just... No.  Especially if they get wet.  There is nothing worse than putting your hands in the dishwater , only to pull out a giant, soaking wet, wooden spoon.  That's enough to put me in a massive speed wobble.

Babies:  Yes, actual babies.  Babies, like birds, stare at you, and may, in fact, be trying to remove your soul.  Try a staring contest with an infant-- you won't win.  They have an agenda.  If they're under 2 years old, they are soul-stealing, bobble-headed, mind-readers.  Don't make eye contact.  I'm warning you.

Outside Creatures Trying to Freeload:  Insects, spiders, bats, birds, mice, etc. have the whole world to explore.  I have a tiny little piece of that world--- which I pay for, decorate, and clean on a (somewhat) regular basis.  That is mine.  All ye aforementioned creatures, unless invited, need not breech the perimeter.  Any trespassers will face the death penalty.  See below.

Killing Bugs:  I can't do it the old fashioned way.  I just can't squish anything.  My preferred method of execution is chemical warfare.  Centipedes are the worst, but respond nicely to this...  My secret?  Extra strength hairspray.  I saturate the little buggers until the stickiness prevents them from moving.  I just can't squish things---not even a fly.  I tried to drown the last one with Windex.  All it did was make him really shiny-- and streak-free.  Live and learn.

Cotton Balls:  Ugh.  They feel terrible.  And they're too squeaky.

Bridges:  Can't drive over them.  Can't even be a rational passenger while someone else drives over them.    The one on the way to Niagara Falls, just outside of St. Catherine's, just about made me have an aneurysm back in the spring.  

Clowns:  Obvious reasons.

Dolls, Marionettes, Ventriloquist Dummies, Puppets:  See clowns.  

Camping in Tents:  I have a job so I don't have to sleep outside on the ground.  Tent-sleeping is voluntary homelessness.

Mushrooms:  Fungus grown in poop.  Can't do it.  Except on pizza.  I don't know.  Don't ask.

Raw Onions and Beans (Lima, Kidney, Baked):  These all feel like bugs in my mouth.  Kidney beans even look like June Bugs.  Ugh.

Tomatoes:  Only on a toasted tomato sandwich.  And they have to be a certain texture.

Hummus:  It's like a mouthful of paste.  Can't do it.

Cotton Candy:  I imagine eating spiderwebs.  It makes my teeth sore just thinking about it.

Double Dipping:  You might as well skip the middle man and just spit directly into my mouth.

Sharing Food or Drinks:  See above

Planes:  Planes crash.  I saw LaBamba.  No, Bob... Not MY Ritchie.

Trains:  Trains de-rail.

Well, do you see why some of my nearest and dearest consider me to be a bit "quirky" (to say the least)?  How could you not?!?  Even I can't rationalize why some of those things are on the list.  But alas, these things provide very real obstacles as I try to navigate through life, this time around.  These things that I have listed are just the tip of the iceberg!  There's a lot more--- but these are the ones from the top of my head.  It's not easy being me, you know...  Life is certainly a lot more interesting though, when everything is a potential threat--especially those babies!  I've learned to work around all of this, but I can embrace it at the same time.  It makes me look like a right looney toon, but on the plus side, it keeps my friends entertained.  :)